The Mediocre Androgyne

A Humble Request

mediocreandrogyne — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 13:08:31 +0000

I’d just like to take a brief pause here to remind you that comments on the following are most welcome at any time:

me
my awesomeness
your clothing obsession
innuendo
innuendo that, on further inspection, actually doesn’t make sense
vapid, superficial nonsense
my virility
how much you love me
what a big fan of this blog you are
how untrue one or all of the negative things I’ve artificially-self-effacingly blogged about myself are (Cite specific examples, please!)

Get’cha Hot Dog Haaaahh

mediocreandrogyne — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 23:09:34 +0000

So, things continue to be mostly uninteresting in my “real world” to everyone else on Earth, but I thought I’d take a second to share with you one of the “engagement” photos that…

Oh. Oh, God. Seriously? I am not ready for…

BWA! HA! HA haa ha haaaa! BWa ha ha ha ha! Ahhh ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh. Sniff. Pahhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!! Ha ha ha ha!! Ha! Ha! Ha ha ha ha haaaaa! Hah ha ha HA! Eeeee hee he hee! Oh, ha, ha, ha, heh! Heh. Haaaaaaaaaa! Ha! Ah ha ha ha ha! Ahh ha ha ha! HA!

It’s a… gasp… hot dog! It’s an engagement photo of a hot dog! Oh, my God, humans weren’t meant to handle this level of hilarity. I can’t… gasp… wheeze…

…

OK. OK. Oh. Whew. It’s ok. I’m conscious again.

I’m actually starting to like doing stuff that’s completely fucking insane. And, honestly, with me, it’s pretty easy.

Style Specimen of the Day:

mediocreandrogyne — Thu, 20 May 2010 02:06:22 +0000

This is Mary Jane. She doesn’t really do anything and is most awesomely dressed every single time I see her. She wins today’s award for style specimen of the day!

If you have an entry for this newly created category – and I know you do – send your photos along to my electronic mail box!!

More admission of “failing”… Yup, look at me. A big old “failure”.

mediocreandrogyne — Mon, 17 May 2010 19:32:48 +0000

Ok, so, yeah, I AM planning a wedding and a trip to Disney Land and a trip to Mars and a pretty, pretty princess party and an art opening in SoHo and the inauguration of my personal library and trying to actually get by “doing” my day job (I’m WAY employed, y’all) but that doesn’t excuse that I’ve been lax on posting the last… six months. I’m not actually working on some new stuff, but it IS eventually coming anyway…..

But I also know that some of it? Some of it is because my whole inserting question marks into the middle of otherwise perfectly respectable sentences is super duper obnoxious. In completely unrelated news, I like to claim that I am so beyond needing a haircut in order to justify showing you gratuitous, poorly-composed photos of myself. Really. I mean, part of it is psychological but still, I could just keep this to myself. Or I could just talk about myself more.

So, to absolutely in no way make up for my glaring narcissism? I’ll show you my failing. I call this “androgyne with curls.”

I know it’s BEYOND shutup time because the ML noted that she could actually really get a good grip on it, which is um, – OH MY GOD!! Am I serious?!! Another reference to my incredible virility and sexual experience?! How the Hell is someone supposed to satirize the SAME blog post over and over? Anyway, none of the products that I have and love work in it the right way. (Ha, get it? Products? Like…um, lube? I can work sex in here again, right?) Gah!

So. Decent writing. Sigh. Still seems a long way away.

Putting the …gaghck!… down

mediocreandrogyne — Fri, 14 May 2010 02:36:54 +0000

It’s been a really long long long day at work , but I’m in that incredible goofy place where all I’m thinking about today is surfing the web and maybe catching up on some “Mad Men” when I get home. That delightful Christina Hendricks and her… talents. Yeah. Over the holidays, I got a little behind on episodes until recently when I watched some, but not all, of the latest episodes. I also have some new “personal” “moisturizer” in my arsenal that I felt it was time to take advantage of.

Oh. My. I’m usually not too kindled by such mundane activities as TV watching, but it had been awhile and so I wasn’t expecting the experience to move on to anything else but…woah.

I like most things moist and/or mediocre, both of which television-based self-gratification and “personal” “moisturizer” surely are. But this was a totally different experience. Christina’s talents were amply exhibited in the first episode. I managed to sit still for almost 40 minutes before I….couldn’t take any more.

Why am I telling you EXCEEDINGLY intimate details of my sex life? Low self esteem. Poor self image. Little bit of narcissism. Oh, I mean, buy some… candles. Yeah.

I’m up for something mediocre

mediocreandrogyne — Tue, 11 May 2010 10:54:29 +0000

The other day I was perambulating through the mall waiting for the apothecarian to finish up with a – BUTCH BUTCH BUTCH – ahem. Sorry. That’s just my butch-tourette’s kicking in. As I was saying, waiting for the apothecarian to finish up with a birthday gift. And there were some sweet-ass lounging-around-the-house shorts. I kind of sort of had some type of kind of immediate flashback to my eighth grade PE teacher’s wardrobe, but that aside, decided that I could rock this look.

So I bought the shorts and thought about what I could wear them with as I finished shopping. Things like shirts came to mind. I knew that I could really make the shorts look slightly less schlubby if I wore a decent shirt and could really look fully schlubby if I used that one white shirt I have that the spaghetti sauce stains never quite came out of. You know, so they have like this amber hue, and sometimes in the right light you try to convince yourself the shirt isn’t stained, but really it’s totally stained.

So, even though a coworker asked if I was out of my mind showing up for any kind of job in a spaghetti-sauce-stained shirt and athletic shorts, I really think I’m rocking this look:

In order to further indulge my thoughtful fashion introspection, I went with the 3-hand right-over-fist 5-way side-by-side for pulling up these shorts. I also considered pulling them up with the triple-down ender reverse forward up-pull, but symmetry isn’t so much a thing for me, and you know what? I might even hang around topless at my place tonight if the spaghetti-sauce stains really start bugging me. Livin’ like a sloth today.

Ok, so this smelllllls

mediocreandrogyne — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 17:09:18 +0000

Smelled this on an moderately unkempt lady in front of me at CVS today and seriously? I’d have paid at LEAST $7.99 for it. Great bargain hunting, huh? No one can wait to smell me this weekend.

Hey look, this blog isn’t really about anything

mediocreandrogyne — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 04:00:57 +0000

So, this post has been brewing for…quite a while. After the “last aside,” I still had a couple of things that I wanted to “get down” (“get down”, you guys)before I thought about them too hard which was before I realized I wasn’t actually thinking hard at all and got distracted by a scrunchie sale and decided not to. I am hesitating to get to the point (and in fact won’t get to it, as you are probably accustomed to), because this isn’t an easy topic to talk about and I’ve pretty much made it a policy to not talk about sex on the internet or with people I don’t “know”, opting instead to only heavily imply things about sex pretty much continuously. But lately I’ve realized I am simply not creeping my audience out enough. And what’s worse, I haven’t used the word “awesome” once yet this month. I thought I’d just clear the air a bit, as the seasoned, mediocre androgyne I am, and suggest to you all the fascinating and varied ways I (imagine I) have had sex.

Before getting too deep into it (Ha! Get it? Deep? Into it? Because this is a sex post? Aw, yeah.), I’d like to say that you are awesome and whatever you like to “do” (heh), that’s awesome. Whether it’s in your bedroom, that one time on the couch, in the shower, or any of about two other places that you’ve probably actually had sex, it’s awesome. My main concern right now is that you know how very virile, popular, and sexually active I am, and after that, that there seems to be this idea that to have a good sex life, you have to conform to the gender norms and roles that society places on your subculture. Despite the fact that my every breath and post is a testament to the importance of conforming to rigid gender roles, I somehow think roles are ridiculous – in the bedroom only! I think it’s totally awesome for you to do whatever awesome thing you like, whether it’s conform to a male-structured role OR a female-structured role. Only. And not switch it up.

One more thing? Androgynous and epicene may go together well, but so does epicene/androgynous, epicene/epicene, androgynous/furry, plumber/princess, or just plain not getting laid. As long as you show respect or at least gender-based-generalizing for your fellow queer, go to town:) (“Go to town” means sex.)

Not doing things that you didn’t not do before you didn’t do the things you did not not do? Well. That’s pretty mediocre to me.

Shoes glorious shoes

mediocreandrogyne — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 22:06:17 +0000

Back to the mediocre side of things today – though don’t you worry, I have some monsters brewing in the back of the Rube Goldberg machine that is my head that I promise to squeeze out in the very near future. I appreciate your patience while I try to put my thoughts all together into a beautiful, steaming cup of… perfection. Yeah, that’s where that analogy was headed. Definitely not somewhere way more disgusting. I mean, why would I even describe my own writing that way?

But EVERYONE loves shoes, right? Well, in any case, I don’t care, because I love shoes. Today I thought I’d give you a rare peek into my old cardboard box I throw shoes into – in fact, that’s going to be probably something you’ll see more of – my real stuff. Because well, I’m narcissistic AND I also think that it’s good to show you the real deal instead of links to “similar” items to what I really like. And because why on earth would I not show you things I actually own when this is blog about what great things I own?

I have one of the worlds best collections of casual footwear. (Unfortunately, there is no body charged with the important task of evaluating casual footwear collections, but I know my collection ranks amongst the finest, because I am an expert on judging casual footwear collections, and I’ve just assessed mine to be top caliber right now. Additionally, as a mediocre androgyne, what part of my wardrobe BUT the casual section would you expect me to focus on?) But that’s not what you’re going to get to see today, because really, what kind of idea would it be to follow a pronouncment like that with giving you the tools you need to judge for yourselves? Today I’m going to focus on the 4 pairs of shoes I wear most often – the 4 pairs of shoes I actually own. Granted, these are not the only shoes I wear to work: I wore flip-flops that one time I slept over at a friend’s after a beach day.

So there you have it – browns, not browns, shades. I like to really mix it up. Now let me tell you in detail about each of these pairs as if anyone on Earth cares.

First you’ll see my comfort mocs. I wear these for their durability, flexibility, stretchability, versatility. They are a fantastical shoe.

Next up and one over, are my comfort mocs. These cover my feet, keep them warm, keep much of the weather out. I think they really look wonderific.

Then you’ll see my comfort mocs. I think these shoes are the ultimate in both mediocrity and androgyny and so tailor-made for this Mediocre Androgyne. These shoes define delightmentful. (Literally. There is no other definition for “delightmentful”.)

Finally, my Roman-inspired sandals, for all my toga party needs. Need I say more? Oh, by the way, I honestly can’t get enough of this link to Steve Madden.

So…that’s the work shoes. Have you found a pair of work shoes that feel like home to you? That feel like home to you? That feel like all the way back where you come from? Feel free to chime in on what items of my clothing you’d like to see next – really, I’ll show you it all:) Or not at all. If you catch my drift. (Hint: You should flirt with me, now. The topic – nudity. Or my awesomeness. Your pick.)

Drunk musings after an ordinary day..

mediocreandrogyne — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 04:04:13 +0000

Being a… slut? at Guitar Hero is totally androgynous.

OK, side-note, really: what is the gender-neutral version of “stud”?

Note: the feelings expressed in this post do not in any way exclude Guitar Hero being anything but the best game, ever.

MA secret? What kind of horrible human being is generally awful at video games? I own a Wii and comprehend that that means I both like and play video games.

Also? Just like 99% of musicians who have played Guitar Hero, I feel compelled to inform you that I know ALL ABOUT real musical instruments. And that is TOTALLY why I am bad at Guitar Hero. For real. I’d totally rule at Guitar Hero if it weren’t so prejudiced against REAL musicians.

In conclusion, I’d like to say that 98% of the Sartorial Butch’s work can only be satirized by:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In further conclusion, I’d like to add that “The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages, is for one of you to kill Wadsworth. Now.”